Valentine's Day - Take 2.

This is the 2nd time I've posted on Valentine's Day on this blog. Heck. I think I started this baby somewhere around Valentine's Day last year. Wow. It's been a year. I didn't realise that until my fingers typed in 'Valentine's Day - Take 2'. I remember last year, I was so hung up over Mun Cheng. He was still calling me every night I think, around that time. I relied so much on him, that somehow, along the way, I forgot how it was like, to be alone.

This year, that was how it felt like. Alone. Well, sort of anyway. Since I had company after school. =) Yeah. I know I have a boyfriend. But I don't think this even deserves to be ranked as a 'relationship'. He barely talks to me. He always makes me feel sad and bad about myself. Okay, not always. But always is pretty close. =) He didn't even tell me that I looked pretty today. A guy in my class, Azwan, HE was the one who told me: "Stephanie, you look really beautiful today." *A girl likes to be complimented from time to time. =)* Oh wait, Hardeep said almost the same thing, only his version was like, "Wow! Looking hot in pink, Steph!" Lol. Okay. I'll stop bragging. =) Long story short, he doesn't treat me right. At all. In my book, anyway. Argh.

'Lol.*chants* Dump samuel! Why stay in a relationship that you don't want to have?!'
-Poops 13-02-2007 21:35

'Happy valentines day _______!*horrible nickname. don't ask* <3 And don't worry about the sam thing la..If he's really as horrible as you said he is, i'm sure you'll do the right thing. =) no one dares to mistreat my lwittle *horrible nickname. AGAIN. Puke.* >:O bohahahaha!*signifies that momok is officially nuts* 2 days till home! Can't wait! XD'
-Poops 14-02-2007 06:49

Poops. Momok. Ugly. Whichever you pick. You know, you always seem so mature and able to take care of yourself. I wonder if I'm really your elder sister or something. I think you're more mature than me in SOME ways. Nyek nyek nyek. BUT! You will never be more mature than me in SOME ways. Bwahahahahahah. Off topic. Again.

Sigh. You know, I really hope I'll do the right thing too. But what's the right thing to do? There isn't really any 'right thing' that I could do when what I do might hurt people. Yes, I do know that when it comes to relationships, getting hurt is always something that will happen, sooner or later, but I'm always, always reluctant when it comes to doing things that might hurt people. And each time, I'll always, always try to make things work before the fuse in me burns up. You know what, sometimes, I think I should just do what's best for me. Don't give a damn about other people's feelings and just do whatever that makes me happy. Chien thinks I care too much, you know? About other peoples feelings. Because in the end, I'm the one suffering the consequences for keeping quiet about all my discomforts. Somehow, I just, can't do it. Hurt people I mean, at least not until I really can't take it anymore. Everything has it's limit you see. For example. I tried to make things work with Wee Neng for around 3 months. 3 months, might seem little to you, it's just what? 12 weeks? But in that 3 months, I broke down a lot. During the last month, when I was at my lowest point, Mun Cheng came into my life. I guess that's one of the reasons I fell for him. He could make my worries disappear during those long hours of midnight talks. Anyway, I guess my point is, I'm a softie inside, no matter how tough I may seem outside, with all the jokes and being all tomboy-ish*except for the fact that I wear skirts*. I think you guys of all people already know that. I'd never hurt someone deliberately, unless I'm at my breaking point. I can be pretty nasty sometimes.*Jascha, I'm not sweet and sugary all the time. Lol.* =)

I was watching 'The Perfect Man' on HBO with Mickey, well, not together, but at the same time. =.= We always do that. =) Anyway, in the movie, Jean(the mom) was always running away. As in when she moves to a new place, she tries to meet a nice guy*soulmate*, and when she gets desperate, she just hooks up with a loser and when THAT relationship fails, she'd pack up and get on the move again. Run away. Mickey just compared me to Jean.

'Ur like the single mom trying to find for a soulmate. And each time u get desperate u'll find urself ending up with nothing.'
-Mickey 14-02-2007 19:19

When I think of it, that comparison IS true. Why? Am I so desperate for companionship? For love? For a reason to believe in 'soulmates', in the theory that 'You are one, when you find your perfect match, your other half, your destined soulmate.'*crap. the word 'destined'.* I don't know. All I know is that, I can't stand to be alone. Feeling estranged from the world, when I'm standing in a crowd. Is that paradoxical or what! I need someone to be there for me. Not just you girls. You girls are my sources of strength for now, but I can't depend on you girls forever. You're going to have your own troubles someday too. I promise I will be here for you girls then. =)*Ehm. Yu Khim not included, because he's not really a girl. He doesn't have a vah-jay-jay!*Hahahahahah. I think only Chien will understand this. xD HOWEVER, I WILL be here for you Yu Khim, whenever you need me. Just because you're a guy, doesn't mean that I won't be here for you. =D*

I need, someone to hold me when I cry. To wipe my tears away. To whisper in my ear, assuring me that everything will be alright, that he'll protect me from whatever it is that's making me cry, even if that's temporary.*It's freaky. When I typed in 'tears', real tears fell from my eyes. My bulbous, luminous, beautiful hazel eyes. =) Can't I praise myself? Sigh* I need, someone who understands me. Someone who knows what I'm thinking by just meeting my eyes, someone who's able to sense when I need cheering up. Or heck, even make me laugh no matter how bad I'm feeling. Someone who can always show me new things in life, someone who can bring the 'old' me back. The sassy, stentorian, sexy, seductive and social-princess Steph back. The 5 'S'-es that the old 'me' were made of. Oh, how I've missed them!

Okay, the tears are receding. =) I think it's because of this song, 'Collide' that I'm listening to. Heard this during the movie. It's good. You people should listen to it. =)

It goes something like this:

Howie Day - Collide

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

Collide. =) Hey. I noticed I've been going on and on about my thoughts. Anyway, Valentine's Day wasn't such a bust. After school, I went to Starbucks with Mickey. I 'FINALLY' got to treat him to SOMETHING. Lol. Anyway, we just sat and chatted for an hour. It didn't really felt like an hour. It was more of a 15-minutes-ish of an hour for me. =) We were chatting about everything under the sun*okay, not everything. An hour is simply not sufficient for EVERYTHING under the sun*, but in that hour, I felt happy. That someone was there to listen to me and just, talk. I realised communication is something I really take seriously. Maybe it's all the past 'quiet' relationships I've had. Yan Ming. Oh my god. 8 months! Boy, was my patience running out. Sigh. Anyway, I'm grateful for you, Mickey. =)

Hah! Guess what, when I switched on my laptop, I was actually contemplating if I would be able to write anything today. Guess I just had too much cooped up inside of me huh?

Hey, how was YOUR Valentine's Day, people?

P.S. Jascha, I hope you're having a great day with Josephine! =)