Where'd You Go.

Where'd you go, I'd miss you so.
Seems like its been forever, since you've been gone.
- Where'd You Go - Fort Minor.

I don't know why. But I really can relate to this song. Everytime I listen to this, I think about you. I think about how you're not really gone but you're so far away from me now. I think about how it seems like its been a lifetime since the last time we really talked, as in a heart-to-heart talk. I miss those talks. I miss having you as the person who knew me best. I miss listening to you crap and crack jokes to make me laugh. You've always had a way of making me laugh when I'm crying. Yeah, you're that good. You know that.

I guess that sometimes, when you love someone, you have to let them go. Like how the saying goes. If its yours, it will come back to you no matter what. I'm letting you go. Slowly and reluctantly, but still letting you go. It doesn't matter anymore if you're not mine. I believe that somewhere out there, there's this great guy waiting for me. Just like I'm waiting for him to show up. I believe. I have to.

Things have been really crazy around here. Its only the second day of school and already I'm so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open during the mornings. That goes to show how much I really adore mornings. Yi Peng's noticed a change in me. She says I'm calm and collected. Even when we get back our exam papers. Did I used to ramble incessantly about marks like she's doing now? I really don't see the point. Whats done is done.

I can safely say that, I don't really feel anything anymore. No joy. No hope. No confusion. Only pain. Its the pain that reminds me that I'm still a human. I still can feel. I don't see a reason to smile or laugh anymore. Everytime I do, its like I'm forcing myself. Laugh Steph. Laugh. This is funny. Hilarious even. Laugh. I'm leading a double life now but its getting harder and harder to maintain. Soon I'll be dark and brooding I guess. A total change. Already I'm starting to brood. I'm starting to hate it when people ask, 'Are you alright?'. I really wanted to shout out to them, 'Just leave me alone!'. But I can't. Because they're friends. And they're just asking to help me cope. To help me get along that road of re-self discovery. What if I don't want to go down that road? What if I just want to stay here? What if I don't want help? I hate it when people try to help when I don't need help.

Violation of privacy. I am disgusted.