Gone.

He's gone to UK.

That morning when he called me, I was shocked. I thought that he would be leaving the next day, not that day itself. He said he had something to give me. Yesterday, I found out what it was. It was a break up letter. At least I think it was. It was something like that I guess. It goes something like this.
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Dear Steph,

Sorry For Everything…Sorry For Not Able To Be A Good Boyfriend…I Am Just Not That Boy Friend Type After All. I Don’t Know How To Treat You As A Girlfriend But I Do Know How To Treat You As A Sister…I Can Talk To You Nearly About Everything While I Treat You As A Sister But Was Unable To Tell You A lot Of Things While I Wanted To Treat You As A Girlfriend.

I Won’t Want You To Waste Your Time On Me….You Still Have Important Studies Going On…I Don’t Want To Be Your Distraction….This Year Studies Could Have Decide Your Future…Well I Agree When People Are Apart….Their Feelings For Each Other Fades. I Don’t Want You To Waste Time And Have A Faded Love Instead Of Full Love...It Just Now Worth Your Time…I Will Rather Hurt You Now Than Hurt You Later…Which Will Causes More Impact On You…And That Will Be Your Last Examination Period I Guess….

When I Was With You, I Feel Very Secured. I Feel Warmth…It’s Like People Will Always Sit Around The Bourne Fire In The Cold Weather And Don’t Feel Like Leaving To Other Places…Well Looks Like You Have Fallen Asleep And I Wont Get To Hear Your Singing Which I Look Forward To. Well There Are A lot Of Things I Am Suppose To Tell You….This Is Like 2% Of What I Wanted To Tell You….I Am Too Tired To Go On Typing This Letter…Its Nearly 5AM now….I Have 1 Hour Of Sleep And Need To Get Up.( I Am Kind Of Like Sleep Typing Now…So There Might Be Some Offence Against You Or Anything…..Not Thinking Straight While I Type…So The English Kinda Sux)

I Think I Will Have More Different Types Of Personality When I Come Back From Edinburgh. I Promise That I Will Call You When I Get A Phone There. Remember To Change My Password For My Account …and at least sms me the password…if not how will I be online if I get to cybercafé ?...You can sms to 016-3031633 but don’t call…your bill will rise rapidly…I trust you the most and out of all the girl I love you the most; but there’s a wall that I cant climb over. Shit I Cant Think Anymore…Must Sleep…LOVE YOU ALWAYS…(Sorry For Not Able To Live Up To Your Expectation)

Your Worse Boyfriend
Jonathan
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This was what he sent me. There was only one thing in my mind when I read this: What if I told you that I WANT to wait for you? What if, I don't want to end this? I don't know how I'm feeling. I'm scared that go back to being that girl incapable of feeling. That girl Mun Cheng turned me into. I don't want to live without feeling. I don't want to live without love. I admit, that clinging on might hurt me more than it might bring me happiness, with his insensitiveness and stuff but I don't think I can let him go. Not yet. He brought me back from that world where everything was black and white and lost all of its colour. He made me giggle-y(whatever) and like a kid again. Just like old times. I know its not good to dwell in the past, but for now, that past of laughter and innocence is all I have. I don't look forward to the future at all. It looks too bleak and dreary to me.

My future is so full of uncertainties and I don't want to think about things that might make me doubt my own abilities and intelligence. I can't. I don't want to be someone who looks down on herself. Sigh. More about that later. The point is, I don't want to give up on us because there's a spark between us. I feel it everytime we look at each other. Its there. I know he feels it too. He just, doesn't want to hurt me like he did in the past. He seems to think that if he's not good at being a boyfriend, then thats it. Its as if thats a fact the he cannot change. Its not and he knows it too so I won't accept that crap of an excuse. I've had enough with Warren with his 'i'm-scared-its-just-an-infatuation' excuse, Mun Cheng with his 'I-don't-want-to-have-a-girlfriend-now'. If you don't want to be with me, just give me the real reason. Don't give me reasons like that because it looks like you don't even bother to even make something up that is really convincing.

I can't give up on us yet. I'm sorry.